Punish Me
by OnyxIvyStone
Summary: A vision of Kagome and Sesshomaru, centuries after the final battle.  Full of the angst.  Hey, it's what I do best!
1. Punish Me

I look up at him,

Silver and amber and crimson and silk,

Fine lines that speak sharp colors,

Diana's face peeking in a rare shade of blue,

He is my eternal companion.

I did not choose him.

I did not ask for him.

I did not want him.

I walk with him for there is

No other to stand beside.

Death swallowed my heart.

In shades of black and deep purple,

He crept upon us slowly,

Murdered beloveds,

Friends,

Children…

The last is what broke both of us.

We were parents once.

We were protectors once.

We were part of a family once.

Small, fragile families

That were shattered by one

Whose blood was similar to both of ours

Mixed through hatred and wrath

Where his brother's,

My companion's brother's,

Had been mixed through love.

I loved him.

I am betraying him now.

Betraying him through the comfort his brother brings me.

He would hate me if he knew.

If he'd lived to know.

Do you know what it's like to be given eternity,

Granted forever,

When your only company is a man,

A Lord,

Who once sought your death

And whom your best friend,

The Lord's brother,

Would have rather torn to pieces than spoken to?

I didn't want this life.

I didn't want to live this way.

I didn't want forever,

Not the way that I have forever.

I wanted his embrace to be his brother's embrace.

I wanted his touch to be his brother's touch.

I wanted his kiss to be his brother's kiss.

I wanted…

I wanted…

I wanted what I will never have…

And he…

He makes me need him.

His embrace is strong enough to hold me when I cannot stand.

His touch is enough to soothe me when the ache is too much.

His kiss…

His kiss is what dreams are made of…

And everything else that is his…

Everything that brings me guilt for having

When I know

When I understand completely that,

If he were here…

If his brother were here,

He would hate me for needing him

The way I never needed him while he was standing,

Crimson clad,

Beside me.

The earth is claiming them.

It should be claiming me, too.

I will never be claimed as my new companion will never be claimed.

We are eternal now,

Chosen before our births for a destiny that spans until the end of time,

And all we have is each other.

There is so much guilt in that.

So much pain in that.

So much I almost wince.

So much I begin to cry.

He looks down at me,

Wraps his arm around me and cradles me.

Leans to me and kisses me.

Whispers against my lips the query,

"Why are there tears?"

I cannot answer at first.

He kisses me again and I sob.

"I feel like I should be punished."

I reply and meet his confused gaze.

"He would hate me if he knew…

If he knew that we are…

That you bring me solice.

I'm not made for eternity.

I'm not made for all of this.

I'm not made for it and…

I don't think I can survive it.

I feel like I should die and go to hell so I can be punished.

Punished for still living.

Punished for surviving.

Punished for being happy…"

He is silent for a moment.

And then he speaks.

"If you died,

You would not go to hell.

You would be reborn.

You would forget your guilt.

To live in such pain is your hell.

Stay with me and endure it.

Do not end yourself.

That would be mercy."

I stare at him in disbelief.

He leans and presses his brow to mine.

My tears fall more freely.

Pain will not fade.

Hurt will not subside.

Guilt will not end.

But he…

He can force me to endure it.

I close my eyes and shudder as his arm tightens around my hips.

"Punish me."


	2. Torment

There is no strength in tears,

Only the strength it takes to shed them.

She may cry,

Weep for them,

For the children we lost,

For the friends she lost,

For the lover she lost and I replaced,

But I cannot.

I do not possess the strength she owns

And I never could.

My strength comes from a different place.

It is born from eternal steel,

Taught by forcing the movement of it,

The memory of it into my stance

Through a million motions

Repeated

Until they are as much a part of me as my breath.

Her strength is innate.

She does not know she is strong.

So it is,

As she mourns them,

I stand tall for her.

So it is,

As she wishes death on herself,

I goad her into living.

So it is,

As she shudders and begs me,

I hold her closer.

"Punish me."

She whispers it like a prayer.

The words give me purpose again.

My lands are gone.

My ward is gone.

My servants are gone.

Time has swallowed them up

And all I have left

Is her.

There is none who could kill me.

I am eternal.

I was born to eternity,

But she was not.

She does not grasp the means to release

To let go of her guilt and pain.

It may drive me to madness

But she is trapped by it.

I could forget.

Ice could claim me

As it has

Over

And over

Again.

She burns too hot.

Her life is bright,

Still shining with her once mortality.

It is where her strength is born.

When it falters,

I kindle it.

Without her,

Without it,

Without our union

I would forget

And I do not wish to.

Her smiling brown eyes,

The shimmering tones of her laughter,

Her love and obsessions with the flora and my hair,

The innocence and light she brought to me without having to try.

I do not want to forget my little one,

And she…

She who asks me to punish her

Helps me remember

What I have lost.

The only part I regret the loss of.

Every stone.

Every tree.

Every part of my lands

I would have traded

For one more moment with the child stolen from me.

I will not relinquish the only creature who holds my child's memory still.

Eternity will pass.

It will threaten the light in my companion's eyes daily

And daily I will do as she has asked.

I will punish her with life.

I will force her to endure.

I will never let her go.


End file.
